Answering Service


[series of key tones, followed by dial tone]
[deep male voice]
“Hi, this is God. At the moment, I’m not available but I do want to hear from you. Please leave a message.”
caller: #@&%*!
[disconnect]

(two days later)
[series of key tones, followed by dial tone]
“Hi, this is God. At the moment, I’m not available but I do want to hear from you. Please leave a message.”
caller: #@&%*! #@&%*!
[disconnect]

(weeks later)
[series of key tones, followed by dial tone]
[mechanical voice]
“Hi, you’ve reached God’s office. Please listen carefully because our message has changed.
“If this is an emergency, hang up and dial 911.
“touch 1 if you want the prayer for the day.
“touch 2 if you forgot your mantra.
“touch 3 if you wish to receive a text version of the last rites.
“touch 4 if you want to be added to our prayer list.
“touch 5 if you want to represent God in your neighborhood.
“touch 6 if you are a solicitor.
“touch 7 if you require technical assistance.
“touch 8 if you need to know the way home.
“touch 9 if you need to speak with a spiritual counselor.”
[key tone for 9]
“Hi, you’ve reached God’s counseling center. Requests for succor will be processed in the order received”
[beep]
[different mechanical voice]
“You are number 1,367,432.
“You waiting time is approximately 1 year 7 months and 13 days.
caller: #@&%*! #@&%*! #@&%*!
[disconnect]

(months later)
[series of key tones, followed by dial tone]
[female voice]
“You’ve reached God. How can I help you?”
caller: “Really?! I actually reached a person?”
“You sound surprised.”
“Yes. Because I’ve tried to reach you for months and only got your dreadful answering service.”
“I understand. And apologize. After we made the decision to no longer be inscrutable, we had a few missteps figuring out an effective customer service model.”
“We?”
“God.”
“There’s more than one God?”
“We are one. Think of us as your ‘heavenly host’. When you speak to me, you speak to God.”
“Do you have a name? Or is it just, God?”
“If it’s easier for you, you may call me Angelique. I’ll be your personal service representative.”