ANSWERING SERVICE
[dial tone, series of buttons, busy signal, disconnect] [dial tone, series of buttons]
“Hi, this is God. At the moment, I’m not available but I do want to hear from you. Please leave a message.”
[disconnect]
WEEKS LATER
[dial tone, series of buttons]
“Hi, you’ve reached God’s office. Please listen carefully because our message has changed.
“If this is an emergency, hang up and dial 911.
“touch 1 if you want the prayer for the day.
“touch 2 if you forgot your mantra.
“touch 3 if you wish to receive a text version of the last rites.
“touch 4 if you want
“touch 5 if you want to represent God in your neighborhood.
“touch 6 if you are a solicitor.
“touch 7 if you require technical assistance.
“touch 8 if you need to know the way home.
“touch 9 if you need to speak with a spiritual counselor.”
[key tone for 9]
“Hi, you’ve reached God’s counseling center. Requests for succor will be processed in the order received”
[heavenly chorus]
“You are number 1,367,432.
“Your waiting time is approximately 1 year 7 months and 13 days.
[disconnect]
MONTHS LATER
[dial tone, series of buttons]
GOD: “You’ve reached God. How can I help you?”
Caller: “Really?! I actually reached a person?”
GOD: “You sound surprised.”
Caller: “Yes. Because I’ve tried to reach you for months and only got your dreadful answering service.”
GOD: “I understand. And apologize. After we made the decision to no longer be inscrutable, we had a few missteps figuring out an effective customer service model.”
CALLER: “We?”
GOD: “God.”
CALLER: “There’s more than one God?”
GOD: “We are one. Think of us as your ‘heavenly host’. When you speak to me, you speak to God.”
CALLER: “Do you have a name? Or is it just, God?”
GOD: “If it’s easier for you, you may call me Angelique. I’ll be your personal service representative.”
Jesus On The Mainline by Jenn Ashton
